I don't know

Writing,
My choice,
My passion,
My future.

I've lost my touch.
I've lost my passion.
I want to, but I don't know how.

I don't know why.
Do I even care?
hah! I don't think I can anymore.

My passion has gone,
My passion has left.
I am losing my interest in something that's important to me.

Damn!
How do I even know that this is what I have to do for the rest of my life?
I don't.

I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.

Why Do I love you?

The way your eyes light up when you see me.

The way you laugh and absolutely enjoy it.

The softness of you hands.

The smell of your hair.

For the plain and simple reason: I can.

The way you deal with other people.

The courtesy and respect you show toward my family.

Your tolerance of Klaus Louis

The softness of your touch.

You are who you are and you’re not afraid to show it.

The way you pull your face when I make you shiver.

Your smile.

Your eyes.

Another simple reason: I want to.

You know who you are.

You have a lot of potential.

You care about the people around you.

You are a question I want to answer.

I love you like the desert misses the rain.

And I love you even more because I know you love me.

23/9/07

Ain't she sweet

“Ain’t she sweet, see her walking down the street.

Now I ask you very confidentially,

Ain’t she sweet?

Ain’t she nice, like sugar and spice,

Now I ask you very confidentially,

Ain’t she nice?”

That is what a songwriter in one of my favorite cartoons said,

And when I think of you I think of that song.

The sweetness of your voice,

The soft look in your eyes.

Your hand in mine,

Your body next to mine.

You are the one I can speak to about anything in my life.

The things that scare me look small when I look at them through your eyes.

I am a man, but I am also afraid.

Afraid of dying alone with no-one to cry when I’m dead

Afraid of going to movies or parties alone

Spiders, heights, snakes and aloneness.

Those are the things that scare me the most.

I’ve loved you ever since I can remember

Even if I have never seen you in my life,

I can’t think of a day when I did not sit and think of what you would be like.

You take me as I am and love me Unconditionally.

You live with my mental instability.

You calm me when I am mad.

You care for me when I am sick.

I don’t know where you are,

I don’t know how I’ll find you,

All I know is that I will find you and

That I will never let anything come between us.

I will not be the same as my father and throw the perfect love away.

Till death us do part, and even in death, I will love you.

2006.02.08

Words

I write,
I cry about what I write.

I struggle with the words,
I can't find them or they don't want to be found.

I think too much,
Or I think too little.

Words are what we live by,
Words are what gives meaning.

Words are what we listen to,
Words are what guide us.

What if there were no words tomorrow?
What would we do?
Would we descend into chaos?
Would we recede into the nothingness?

Words are what inspire us,
Words give meaning to what we can't show.

Even little children use little words,
Even if we don't understand what they are trying to say.

God used words as well.
Did we listen?

Sometimes,
Sometimes we did not.

And guess what?
Now we can't hear him anymore.

He still speaks,
We just chose not to listen.

I write.
I cry about what I write.

Does that make sense to you?
I hope so.

Me I

Sometimes… I don’t know who I am.

I react the way I’ve been taught to react,

I talk the way it is expected to talk.

Who did this to me?

Why did they do it?

Why brainwash someone into being

Who you want them to be?

I am me.

Not perfect,

Not holy,

Not in the least.

I am on my own.

I am alone.

I like and dislike it at the same time.

I am the only one of my kind in the world

And I like it that way…

So if you don’t like me that way,

I have two words for you:

Bless you,

And may you have a good life ahead.

2007.02.04

Me II

Disturbed...

Disturbed am I.

No notion of sanity in my head.

Longing...

Longing is what I feel.

Longing for her lips pressed against mine.

The look in her eyes,

The coolness in her step,

She takes my breath away.

(and though I may look it,

I am not gay!!!

I just don’t know if YOU know it...)

The way she speaks to me

The way she treats me.

The way we talk for hours,

It makes me want to be with her, hold her, kiss her.

But...

I’m afraid.

Afraid of getting hurt again.

Like the other day when my dad fucked off.

I don’t know...

Disturbed...

That’s what I know.

2006.10.14

Me III

Losing my mind, losing my train of thought…

The hate I sense around me, the discomfort it causes…

I feel lost in the emotion around me…

I AM lost in the disarray…

Why is it that things only get worse?...

Why do we always have this tension?...

I do not really know…

I am not sensing reality anymore…

I want to get away from it all…

Go to a place where no-one knows me…

There where I can be free…

There where I can start again…

And who knows…

Maybe I’ll find peace…

Maybe hate is too strong a word…

Maybe… the word should be stress…?

Maybe I’m just insane…

Maybe I am reading the whole situation wrong…

I am only human after all…

Not a machine…

I have emotions and these screw me up constantly…

I sense the emotion around me and want to flee…

What the hell is going on…!?

Who is going to make peace first?

Not me…

Not me…