Me I

Sometimes… I don’t know who I am.

I react the way I’ve been taught to react,

I talk the way it is expected to talk.

Who did this to me?

Why did they do it?

Why brainwash someone into being

Who you want them to be?

I am me.

Not perfect,

Not holy,

Not in the least.

I am on my own.

I am alone.

I like and dislike it at the same time.

I am the only one of my kind in the world

And I like it that way…

So if you don’t like me that way,

I have two words for you:

Bless you,

And may you have a good life ahead.

2007.02.04

Me II

Disturbed...

Disturbed am I.

No notion of sanity in my head.

Longing...

Longing is what I feel.

Longing for her lips pressed against mine.

The look in her eyes,

The coolness in her step,

She takes my breath away.

(and though I may look it,

I am not gay!!!

I just don’t know if YOU know it...)

The way she speaks to me

The way she treats me.

The way we talk for hours,

It makes me want to be with her, hold her, kiss her.

But...

I’m afraid.

Afraid of getting hurt again.

Like the other day when my dad fucked off.

I don’t know...

Disturbed...

That’s what I know.

2006.10.14

Me III

Losing my mind, losing my train of thought…

The hate I sense around me, the discomfort it causes…

I feel lost in the emotion around me…

I AM lost in the disarray…

Why is it that things only get worse?...

Why do we always have this tension?...

I do not really know…

I am not sensing reality anymore…

I want to get away from it all…

Go to a place where no-one knows me…

There where I can be free…

There where I can start again…

And who knows…

Maybe I’ll find peace…

Maybe hate is too strong a word…

Maybe… the word should be stress…?

Maybe I’m just insane…

Maybe I am reading the whole situation wrong…

I am only human after all…

Not a machine…

I have emotions and these screw me up constantly…

I sense the emotion around me and want to flee…

What the hell is going on…!?

Who is going to make peace first?

Not me…

Not me…

Shit

This shit is whacked.

I am over my emotions.

The pain will go away.

And you will fade from my memory.

Your red hair,

Your green eyes.

You took my breath away.

All my hopes were dashed on the rocks.

The moment I saw you,

Holding hands with another.

You led me on.

Inviting me for coffee.

This shit must stop!!

I should not,

May not, lose my heart.

Lose my soul.

I am not alive.

You broke my heart last year,

And now it seems to be happening again.

2004.10.01

Someone New

I met someone new today.
They thought I was mad.

They read the stuff that I wrote,
My ramblings,
my ravings,
and thought my insanity was evident in
the things unsaid in them.

hehehehehehehehe

I am not insane.
I am not sane.
I am somewhere in between.

I met someone today.
They thought I was mad.

I tried to explain,
I tried to deny,
I tried...

I am not insane.
I am just...


ME.