Me I

Sometimes… I don’t know who I am.

I react the way I’ve been taught to react,

I talk the way it is expected to talk.

Who did this to me?

Why did they do it?

Why brainwash someone into being

Who you want them to be?

I am me.

Not perfect,

Not holy,

Not in the least.

I am on my own.

I am alone.

I like and dislike it at the same time.

I am the only one of my kind in the world

And I like it that way…

So if you don’t like me that way,

I have two words for you:

Bless you,

And may you have a good life ahead.

2007.02.04

Me II

Disturbed...

Disturbed am I.

No notion of sanity in my head.

Longing...

Longing is what I feel.

Longing for her lips pressed against mine.

The look in her eyes,

The coolness in her step,

She takes my breath away.

(and though I may look it,

I am not gay!!!

I just don’t know if YOU know it...)

The way she speaks to me

The way she treats me.

The way we talk for hours,

It makes me want to be with her, hold her, kiss her.

But...

I’m afraid.

Afraid of getting hurt again.

Like the other day when my dad fucked off.

I don’t know...

Disturbed...

That’s what I know.

2006.10.14

Me III

Losing my mind, losing my train of thought…

The hate I sense around me, the discomfort it causes…

I feel lost in the emotion around me…

I AM lost in the disarray…

Why is it that things only get worse?...

Why do we always have this tension?...

I do not really know…

I am not sensing reality anymore…

I want to get away from it all…

Go to a place where no-one knows me…

There where I can be free…

There where I can start again…

And who knows…

Maybe I’ll find peace…

Maybe hate is too strong a word…

Maybe… the word should be stress…?

Maybe I’m just insane…

Maybe I am reading the whole situation wrong…

I am only human after all…

Not a machine…

I have emotions and these screw me up constantly…

I sense the emotion around me and want to flee…

What the hell is going on…!?

Who is going to make peace first?

Not me…

Not me…

Shit

This shit is whacked.

I am over my emotions.

The pain will go away.

And you will fade from my memory.

Your red hair,

Your green eyes.

You took my breath away.

All my hopes were dashed on the rocks.

The moment I saw you,

Holding hands with another.

You led me on.

Inviting me for coffee.

This shit must stop!!

I should not,

May not, lose my heart.

Lose my soul.

I am not alive.

You broke my heart last year,

And now it seems to be happening again.

2004.10.01

Someone New

I met someone new today.
They thought I was mad.

They read the stuff that I wrote,
My ramblings,
my ravings,
and thought my insanity was evident in
the things unsaid in them.

hehehehehehehehe

I am not insane.
I am not sane.
I am somewhere in between.

I met someone today.
They thought I was mad.

I tried to explain,
I tried to deny,
I tried...

I am not insane.
I am just...


ME.

Plekkie innie son

Ek lewe.
Ekis nie ‘n iets nie.
Ek is nie ‘n niks nie.
Ek is…

‘n mens met pyn,
Gevoelens en hoop.
Drome oor die toekoms,
En gedagtes van vrede.

Maar jy.
Jy kyk neer op my,
Want jy ken my nie.
Jy gee nie om oor wie ek is nie.

Basies sien jy my nie
Eens raak nie.
Maar jy oordeel my.

Gee my ook ‘n kans.
Gun my ‘n lewe.
Gun my ‘n plekkie innie son.

2004.10.01

Pain ii

Pain runs deep in my heart.

The pain of loss,

The pain of rejection.

Even in good times, the pain haunts my

Sleep.

It is with me every waking moment,

Every sleeping second.

I hate this pain.

I absolutely hate it!!

It influences my decisions,

It keeps me depressed.

Without the pain, my joyous heart

Would bound out of my chest,

The golden chains broken.

It is my curse to live with.

It is my fate.

Maybe one day…

Someday…

I will find a cure.

2005.12.22

In the end

At the and of all days,
When all is said and done,
The pain will cease,
And the joy will begin.
Eternal joy, free from earthly pain.
God will grant me that, I hope.
The joy that was taken away so
Early.
The rejection that took its place
Will be forgotten.

At the end of all days,
When all is said and done,

I WILL BE … FREE!!

2004.12.01

Only me

Alone,

Away from all

I realize that I have nothing.

Only friends,

And family.

Only people.

I do not have money,

I do not have fame.

I have only love.

The love I get from them,

Is the one thing that sustains me,

The thing that keeps me alive.

I am only one human,

Only a grain in the sands of time.

But that might change.

One day I will change lives.

One day I will conquer mountains.

Until then…

I will hold on to my dreams,

I will stay in constant prayer.

Maybe one day…

God will hear.

2008.08.08

Freedom

There is one who can unlock my heart.

One who can free my soul.

The captivity, I know, is only temporary.

Only that person will change my life,

Will give rhyme to my broken reason.

Only one that can put me on the right path.

That person is my reason to life,

My passion in times of pain.

This is my one chance.

I can hear the person coming.

Maybe the guards will hear and try to stop

That person coming here.

In time it will be too late.

In time my jail cell would become,

My morgue

She comes!!

I can hear her.

She will save me from myself.

2008.07.21

Old friends

The trusted days of youngness are gone.

The pain of being alone still echoes.

In the twilight of my life I listen

To memories of joy and laughter.

I remember the walks on a moonlit beach

I dream of winter nights by a log fire.

Weekends in a cabin by the lake,

Slow Sunday afternoons.

My love, we have been together for so long,

And I cannot even remember lonely days.

Of all our friends, only we remain.

Only the lonely two of us.

These are days that will be remembered.

The days where we draw closer to God,

The days where He speaks the loudest.

You are my anchor to sanity.

The one that keeps me grounded.

Jesus, You are my savior,

My hope and my salvation.

Help me?

2006.12.24

Statues

Two musicians standing side-by-side

One with drums, the other with guitar.

They mock and tease me.

They make me think of what could be.

If I keep practicing, bending

Working ‘till it hurts.

I have never loved pain.

That dull aching inside your hands.

The never fading throb.

Maybe music never was a good choice,

Maybe I should stick to writing,

Too many maybes.

I don’t know what I should do.

Write, sing, draw, maybe all.

Again the bloody maybes.

I must be mad!!

No more maybes

Only gonna say definitely.

I hate these two statues,

Maybe Chris will buy them from me.

2005.10.12

Shared love

The love that we share,

The joy, the fun times.

They are more precious than any

Amount of gold could ever be.

You taught me how to love,

I taught you how to live.

We fulfill each other’s deepest wishes,

We complete each other’s soul.

No single word on paper or spoken outright

Could express my true feelings.

I stare at you in awestruck wonder

You are the light of my life.

As Barry White said: “My first, my last,

My everything.”

I love you, make no mistake,

I will love you ‘till my dying day.

2003.12.25

Orphan

This is me.

Dead brown eyes,

A morbidly faked smile.

I am not alive,

I do not know the meaning of the word,

But yet I breathe.

When they talk to me,

I talk back,

But with the hesitance of the dead.

Gone are the carefree days of childhood, present, the painful days of neglect.

I was thrown away.

Forever it will haunt me,

Forever I will cry.

Forever alone I’ll be.

I have made my choice,

A lonely one to make…

A dangerous one to make.

I will not marry.

I will not subject my wife, my children

To my pain.

I will die alone,

Knowing only friendship,

But not real love.

2005.10.12

Introduction

These pages contain me.

My thoughts,

My pain,

My fears,

My dreams.

My letters to my love,

Yes, the one I have not met.

My thoughts about God,

Life, even death.

Loss and gain.

These pages are

A representation of me.

Understanding them,

Will mean that you understand a part

Of who I am.

I wrote them for you,

So you could understand me.

Not specifically for you, but more for me.

To get rid of my anguish,

Pain, and longing.

I do not know you.

But after reading this,

You’ll know me.

My name is Jacques,

And these are my thoughts.

2004.10.01

Unknown

My name is unknown.

Except to those who know me

Intimately.

The ones who don’t care about my hang-ups and my

Problems.

The ones who care about my feelings,

My hopes and my dreams.

The ones who listen when I

Have something to say.

Those who appreciate me for who I am.

Why do you care?

Ask your questions and you

Will have your answer.

Knock and the door

Will be opened for you.

If you want it,

I will let you near and into my life.

But be forewarned…

Tread lightly, for I hurt easily.

2004.10.01

Future

The future seems unclear,
The future is uncertain.
But I have found a way...
To accept it. To embrace it.

I have faith in tomorrow.
I have faith in God.
Faith, that, no matter what...
He is there to help me.

He makes my footsteps sure.
As sure as a goat on the mountain rocks.
He lights my path,
He guides my hand.

I know who I am.
I know who He is.
And I know who I am through Him.
He is my God.

My Rock and my salvation.
My saving Grace.

2005.07.27

One thing is certain

In this life...

There is one certainty,

Everything is known.

You have an idea what’s going to happen,

But in reality, the next ten seconds...

Are unknown.

There are no guarantees in this world.

Only ifs and maybes.

This is life.

Everything is unknown,

And that’s the only certainty.

2005.07.03

My feelings

This is my confession
This is my pain.
I am not your friend.

I look for the things that could wreck our friendship
I need the fights, the swearing.
That, somehow, is my friendship.

I cannot trust,
I know not how.
Help me please.

Show me how to be a friend,
Show me how to trust.
Show me who you really are.

I lie,
I cheat,
I hate myself.

Teach me…

Love Divine

My love.

My love is pure.

My love is sweet.

She takes care of me

When life leaves me beat.

She takes care of my sorrows.

She loves like there is no tomorrow.

She is my only one.

She is my lonesome dove.

My love is pure.

My love is sweet.

She is my love divine.

This one I’m gonna keep.

She is the one I turn to

When there’s no-one to talk to.

She is my love divine.

She is my love…

Divine.

Hey You

This is for my father,

This is for my mother.

This is for all the people who know me.

For all your insults,

And your curses,

You make me feel like I am nothing.

I sit here locked inside my head,

Remembering all those things you said.

The way you make me feel like nothing.

I know this is not true.

I know this is not me.

I know who I am.

As I sit here all alone in my head,

I rethink those things you said.

I sort my S*** out.

I am my own person.

I am me.

You cannot change that.

You can help me to correct my mistakes,

But do not point them out in such a way.

I need help, not criticism.

Help me do not push me away.

Speak to me, do not shout.

Reach out your hand, and I will accept.

Open Wounds

Couldn’t understand what happened last night

Pain gets in the way of feelings led astray.

Tossing and turning, running away

I don’t know, what should I do.

Guess I should have known that this would End this way,

should have known it was to good to be true.

But after all of this… I still love you!!!!!

The way we were, was so beautiful,

The laughter, the fun times…

But after all you played with my heart.

Don’t know what you want so you lead me on.

And now after all is said and done…

I still love you.

Your smile made me weak

Your eyes saw right through me

The way the sunlight played with your hair

The way your hand softly touched mine

I never thought that you could really care

And I’m still standing all alone

And I’m still singing on my own

Never thought that this could be

Your eyes staring back at me

Never thought that it would end like this

Don’t say you didn’t mean that kiss

But it all comes down to

Me still loving you.

But now I’m wounded but I’m still standing…

The pain will not keep me down for long

I am stronger than I thought.

I will not give up so soon

Although I tried so hard,

you still went ahead and broke my heart

You slammed the door in my face

And gave up my warm embrace

And I’m still standing all alone

And I’m still singing on my own

Never thought that this could be

Your eyes staring back at me

Never thought that it would end like this

Don’t say you didn’t mean that kiss

But it all comes down to

Me still loving you.

in the dungeon of my heart

In the dungeon of my heart, there is a cell where a picture rests.

The person in the picture is you…

It is not a picture of physical beauty, but of love, understanding and joy.

When I was still unborn and my soul was up in Heaven, God took me to a room

In His palace and showed me a picture. He told me that the person in the picture would be the one that I would love with all my heart.

The person in the picture is you…

There is just one small problem. I cannot get into that cell anymore.

I locked up that picture like they locked up the man in the Iron Mask.

I’ve tried to find you, but whenever I think that I have you, I am wrong.

The person in the picture is you…

And I believe what the man said when he wrote: It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

‘cause losing love is what I do best in life.

The person in that picture is you…

When I was a little boy, I used to dream about my only love.

The love who will take all my sorrows away.

The love who will take me unconditionally.

The person in that picture is you…

“And I am lost and I can even say why” is what the songwriter said.

You are my sunshine, my cool summer breeze,

The one that tolerates my mental instability.

The person in that picture is you…

I wonder if I will ever find you.

I wonder if I will ever see you.

Where are you?

Who are you?

The person in that picture is you…

And that’s the way it will stay.

Proposal

Hi.

I do not know what you think,

But I like you.

I have for a while now

and I would like to

know you better.

You don’t have to

answer right now,

take your time.

Think it over.

Think of what

you have to lose by knowing me.

In the end

if it does not work

out the way we thought.

You’ve still gained a friend.

What do you say?

Part of me

Part I hate the most, is the part of me that remind me of you.

It is the part who makes me who and what I am.

I am your son.

I am a part of you no matter what.

You can ignore me,

You can forget about me,

I am your son,

I can never forget that.

I am a part of you as you are a part of me.

All the hurts in the world cannot compare

to the pain I feel when I know that you are near,

but you do not call,

you do not visit,

do you even care about me?

If you do,

Tell me,

Because I cannot see that.

I do not know it.

I might be wrong,

There might be other factors that I have not

Even considered.

Speak to me.

Do not wait until another funeral,

Or job interview…

Please…

Dad?...

To whom it may concern…

I am what and who I am, and if you don’t like it, you can go swim in a toilet.

I believe in freedom of speech, except if your swearing bothers me.

I believe in freedom of religion, except if you are going to kill me because I believe differently.

I believe in human rights, except if you are raping my daughter, sister, wife or mother.

I believe in freedom of race, except if you are penalizing me for being white.

I believe in a fair trial, except if you are a corrupt court official.

I believe in South Africa, except if our country is going to the dogs.

I believe in the goodness of mankind, until I watch the news.

I believe in exemplary living, until I read the newspaper.

I believe in corporal punishment, until I hear what parents do to their children.

I believe in Heidelberg, the goodness of our townsfolk, until I hear the rumors and see people gossip.

I believe in love at first sight, until I look again

I believe in the purity of heart, soul and mind, until I see people when they are drunk.

I believe that men don’t cry, until I see and hear all the above.

Crazy World

Sitting alone here in my head,

Thinking of all the shit that’s been said.

Coming to only one conclusion:

I’m disturbed...

I am not normal.

I am not totally sane, nor am I insane.

Then there’s the girl.

The one who captivates my attention.

We sit and talk for hours,

And for hours on end we’ll do nothing but talk.

She makes me go wild inside,

I cannot eat because I’m constantly thinking of her,

And I can’t sleep ‘cause I’m too bloody hungry!!!

I want to hold her tight, protect her from this fucked-up life,

I want to be with her, kiss her, but I cannot,

I’m too afraid. Too afraid of getting hurt again.

Laugh, come on, laugh. I dare you.

I have feelings too, you know.

I am also human, even though you might not think so,

I also feel and I also bleed.

Maybe...

Maybe I feel too much,

Maybe I should just forget everything and sit here...

Alone, alone in my head where I rule my world.

Maybe that would prove some people right:

Maybe I am crazy.

Maybe, just maybe, the world is crazy and I am the only sane one left.

Or maybe I’m just disturbed.

All I know

All I think about is pain.

All I know is loss…

I cannot trust myself around the people I love,

I do not know what to do…

I cannot go on like this.

I am alone,

Even though I have a lot of friends.

Maybe forgiveness will be the clue.

Maybe if I can forgive him,

Maybe if I can forgive anyone,

God might forgive me and then I can know…

Love.

A heart full of pain,

A head full of anger.

A lot of things to fear.

Does anyone care???

Let me know.

I would like to talk.

The reality of Life

The reality of life,

The beauty of love.

When Life kicks you down,

Love has the power to pull you

Back to reality.

But, when Love kicks you down,

It is the realities of life

That keep you down.

The same realities you want to ignore.

The reality of life, the beauty of love.

The knowledge that somewhere,

Somehow, someone out there loves you.

Somewhere, someone is thinking of you right now.

And that should. Should

Give you the courage to go on.

Even in the face of horrible events

And unreachable goals.

That notion is what keeps me going.

Even when I can’t physically continue,

That thought keeps me strong.

2/1/08

Questions

Why is it that we would do anything

To be accepted, butonly on our own terms?

Why would a child do anything a parent asks,

Until they find something better to do?

Is the human race so fickle that if it

pleases me, it damn well has to please you too?

Do we really have to live just for ourselves?

Why can we not accept the fact that

Maybe, just maybe, just one insurmountable time,

Someone needs me to do something that I might not like to do,

Or even want to do, because that is the one time that

They need to be shown that I do listen,

And that I really DO care.

And Why? Why the hell do we say we care?

Why do we say that, it’s all we ever do,

ALL we ever do, is care only about what we want.

I have no answer. Do you?

22/12/07

Master of Puppets

My therapy, my sanity, my life, my love, my

Heart, my fear, my devotion.

All of this Ifound in her. All of this I found

in my relationship with her.

My “relationship” was a farce.

A joke.

A cruel hoax played by the female of the

Species who claimed her love for me.

Maybe it was the exhiliration of the lie

That made her last so long.

Maybe it was the elation at seeing my pain

That made her prolong her experiment.

THAT, is what and who she is.

A master of the farce. A cruel slavedriver

That make’s men’s hearts to jump at her call.

A tyrannical force that kille and maims with

a smile and a tear.

A bane to all men.

One who flatters with lies and then ensnares the

Heart with a wicked smile.

One who hypnotizes with her “drowning pool” eyes.

Honestly, I loved her truly, and to mine own shame I love her still.

The master of puppets won yet again.

24/12/07

Longing

You took a part of me with you.

A huge chunk. Every night before I

Finally drift off to sleep, peaceful,blissful sleep,

I realize it when I see your smiling face.

When I said: “I love you”, I meant every

Single word. But that was not good enough

For you. You wanted the sun, the moon and the

Stars, but...

Since I could not provide them,

You took everything and ran.

When we said that we would face all hardships

Together, did you think I was joking?

Did you think that all this... al of this

Was one big jol and that no-one would get hurt?

Did you really think you could have your fun

And run when things got too tough for you?

You took a part of me with you. A huge chunk.

Everynight before I finally drift off, I see it

In your smiling face. The haunting that was my love.

24/12/07

Notes

My notes are my own, whether you like them or not, they are ramblings for me to get my mind clear. I will swear in them, vloek in them, say what I want in them, and there's not a thing you can do about it.

I think therefore I am is something someone said long ago, that's a fact, but they did not think of me when they said it.

I don't make sense when I write, that's why I write, because one day I'll look back at these notes and find something about myself that I might have forgotten. Something that I might have missed.

Something that I can use against myself. (sounds very nihilistic doesn't it?)

I know who I am, I'm just not always sure. I think that of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

hehehehehe hahahahahah hiehiehiehiehiehiehie hohohohohohohoho

I do not suffer from insanity, I enjoy every moment of it!!!!

Mighty Men's Conference

Men,
The Priests of their households.
This weekend, I experienced
60 000 men saying AMEN together.

60 000 men who were willing to stand up for their faith.
60 000 men who sang together,
who prayed together,
who kneeled together.

I saw God move in the hearts of 60 000 men.
I saw God change 60 000 lives,
including mine own.

I am not perfect,
I will never be
and I have fogotten a good many things,
But two things I'll remember always.

I am a great sinner,
But Christ is a great Saviour.

I know I will fail, and things will be tough,
But for me, I know who I am in Christ who has saved me from hell.

Bold, I don't think I'll ever be that,
but faithful?
Always.

Being a student in this time and place.

Being a student,
Working,
Perspiring,

Praying,
Hoping...

Hoping that everything of the past three years has not been in vain.
Perspiring about the projects to come,
Praying for a good outcome this time,
Working to secure my future.

I am third and final year.
I have worked myself to the bone for three years
to get this degree,
To stand up for myself and say:

Screw you! You naysayers!
You said I was nothing, and well,
I am someone.
I can mean something for someone.

Okay, so film and television is not what you had in mind for me,
But this is who I am!
I have proven myself over, and over again!
I am who I am.

Working, hoping, praying, perspiring.
Perspiring, working, praying, hoping.
My ship will come in when I leave this place.
My day will come,

But until then?
I Work.
I Hope.
I Perspire.
I Pray.

I saw HIM!

I write. I create. I try to.

But nothing in my life has ever prepared me for this:
Seeing what a Creator can do.

I saw Him touch a life, change it, improve it.
I saw Him manipulate a situation in order to improve the life
of someone we all care about.

I saw Him move.

I cannot say that I am deeply religious.
I cannot say that I can convert people
through the power of voice or reason,
But I know what I can do.

I write. I create. I try to explain what I have seen...
and experienced.
I saw The Creator of creators, move.

I saw Him and I WILL write about it.

my thoughts about me

Why do I do what I do?

I am a normal (sort of) 29 year old, yet I have angst, and fears that I'm not supposed to have. I do not agree with most people on their ideas and their feelings, because I have my own ideas.

I step on toes (and heads, and bodies) when I try to make a success of myself, and yet I feel no remorse, I focus on one thing till I get bored, and then leave a half finished project to go on to the next exiting thing.

I don't know if I am right or wrong. I try to live by a code that only I understand. Most other Christians feel like I'm a hypocrite, hypocrites feel I'm not good enough for them and atheists think I'm confused, but I KNOW what I think, what I feel and What I know.

I know I'm confusing you with my rambling and that's okay, since I'm just trying to get the shit out of my head and not into your mind.

I am myself. I am a writer, actor, brother, son, cousin, friend.

I couldn't give a rat's ass if you agreed or not. I love my friends dearly, and would do anything for them. If you are my friend, be glad, for I would kill for you. If you do not like me, screw you, because I am liked, I am loved (I'm just not sure by who(hehehe)).

Writing

I love it, I hate it.

I write, I create, I manipulate.
I am a writer.
Nothing is more farther from the truth at this moment.

There are my thoughts.
My own ideas.
Me.

I write to entertain.
I write to reach out and touch.

But Who will ever see what I've written?
You?
You who knly care because you know me.
Because you have to be interested.

This includes that AFDA guys.
I love you all, but all we see,
All we are conditioned to see are the potential dollar signs.

We cannot, dare not
get emotionally involved, and yet,
I just finished a major project,

and I'm depressed.
Depressed about my writing,
my (In my mind) bullshit.

Guys, girls, friends.

I write,
I create,
I manipulate.

I just wish I could have done that in reality.

Waiting

For this I have waited all my life.
For this I have sweat, cried, and worked my mind numb.

Only now, 10 years later,
Do I reap a reward I have longed for all my life.

Only now,
Only now,
Only now do I find them looking at me with respect.

Only now can I hold my head high and smile when they laugh at me.
For this is my moment.
A small moment, but significant.

A dream made real.
A hope come alive.
No idiot teacher who says that I am nothing...

No class bully who breaks me down in front of others.
No asshole who teaches forgiveness
but is the one who is hurting others around him.

Today I am who I am supposed to be.
It just took me a while longer to get there.

But you...
You... You just smile and go on with your perfect little life.

Not knowing what others go through.
looking, but choosing not to see their pain.
Hearing, but choosing not to listen to their anguish.

Am I making sense to you?
I do not care.
I am who I am supposed to be.
It just took me a while longer to get there.

And I am HAPPY.